Boundaries for Beauties!

Hello Beautiful Women!

Here's some thoughts in how to hold on to our strength and beauty. Develop healthy boundaries.

As women we are taught to say "Yes" to a lot when we really should be saying "No."  We often have to learn how and what to say "No" to. In working with women, I often hear the responses of why they didn't say "No." Often it was because they, "didn't want to hurt someone's feelings," or "didn't know how to say No,” and the most popular response is, "I didn't know what I was saying 'No' to." When the mistreatment is hidden and difficult to identify but you are often walking away feeling confused, small, or frustrated, this is called covert abuse or emotional manipulation.

We get to say NO to being:

- ignored

- mistreated

- defined (told who we are)

- bullied (other people's values imposed on us and run over)

- used for another person's gain at our expense and without our permission

- disrespected

- manipulated

- countered (argued or corrected with what you feel and need)

- judged

- misrepresented

- intentionally confused

- talked down to

- compared to

- ridiculed

- shamed

- deceived

- criticized

I like to use the 1, 2, 3 approach.

#1 Easy Response

Start with a #1 gentle, kind response, "No, thank you" or "I'm uncomfortable with how you're speaking to me." You can use this as much as you want or as many times as you want. This should be your most frequent response in your home and work relationships.

#2 - Assertive Response

If you are still repeatedly getting ignored or mistreated, move to a #2 assertive response, "I said No" or "I really need to be heard" or "This is unacceptable with how I am being treated" or "If you cannot speak to me with more respect, I'm going to need to leave this conversation," or "We are going to need to have a safety contract." Call in a manager, alert HR, get legal help, BFF, etc...

#3 - Aggressive Response

Then if you're still not getting heard and respected, move to a #3 aggressive response, "NO!" Your voice is firm, raised, and very direct. You are using firm hand gestures (I'm not referring to your middle finger:), and you are putting distance between you and the unsafe behavior. Your body can be used to defend and fight for yourself if needed. As you can appreciate, the #3 response is hopefully the least used response unless you are in danger and fighting for your safety. This is a good time to consider if you need a protector, like a supportive man/girlfriend, your boss, the police, etc... But now is when you have to give yourself permission to fight for yourself if your life is in danger. If you are moving to a #3 in a domestic relationship, consider getting some professional services. Being in this chronic fight of flight is hard on the woman's mental, emotional, and physical health.

Develop clear, concise boundaries to what you are saying "No" to and don't forget to enforce them. Here's a few of my boundaries: no ignoring, disrespecting, bullying, or using me. If this happens to me, there will be a clear "No thank you." Even if I don't or can't voice it out-loud, I voice it in my head. Boundaries is how we hold onto our power.

 Ok Beauties, here's to growing in strength and beauty!  

Cheering you on,

Dr. Jenn